A definitely-winning guide to betting the 2021 Kentucky Derby using only horse names and how badass they look

First of all, I have indeed been to the Kentucky Derby (which is, like, a WHOLE other story, and I’ll never write it as well as Hunter S. Thompson, so just read his).

I watch it, and a number of races, every year.

I used to run the Derby pool at the New York Daily News.

Every first Saturday in May I make a mint julep (or three) and I yell at my TV for two minutes. Sometimes I win. Most often not.

So I like the thing, is what I’m saying. This is not me parachuting in on March Madness office brackets using “distance-from-the-geographical-center-of-the-U.S” or “which-mascot-could-eat-which?” to pick a winner in a sport I am not familiar with, nor care about. I like it. Am I some kind of expert? Oh, helllll naw! This is literally for entertainment purposes only.

But I can go up to the betting window and know what to do. And I can’t wait to get back out to a track after my vaccine kicks in next week. I won’t go to one of the big races just yet — like finally chalk up my first Preakness and complete my own Triple Crown — but I’ll probably meander over to Belmont on a rando Thursday afternoon soon enough.

And I will do some actual research before placing some of my bets today, but I will 100 percent bet these (below), too, and I’m not gonna look at anything other than the horses’ names, a picture of them, and their odds — which are unavoidable — in order to do so.

I already know there’s a gray horse and he’s the favorite, and that means he is RIGHT out of my “win” betting pool, because those are two things I simply will not brook in my personal handicapping. Your miles may vary.

So let’s talk about the rest in a couple of slides, and hopefully pick [me] a winner [, Bobby] …

Hands (GET IT? THAT’S A HORSE THING!) down, the best name in the starting gate tomorrow belongs to Soup and Sandwich. It’s so salt-of-the-Earth. Simplicity, and pure joy. You can picture your favorite combo right now, can’t ya? (Tuna melt and matzoh ball? Chickarina and a PB&J? Who’s to say?)

S&S offers great value for that kind of name power at 21-1*... BUT WHAT’S THIS?!

Motherfudger! Soup and Sammy (also shown top of slide) is the other gray horse in the race! Noooooo! But just look at him. Look at that determination in his eyes, even in a workout. He’s destined for the roses.

So fuck it, I’m breaking my own rule. Lock that shit in. $10 to win on the focused, and well-monikered, Soup and Sandwich for a potential $400-ish* profit.

We have competing bourbon-themed horse names and I’m conflicted by that, because normally that’s all it would take to “place” here in my book.

Bourbonic sounds like the state one is in after too many mint juleps, and, really, what is more Derbyish than that? Also, midnight is definitely too late to start drinking bourbon — ya gotta get moving earlier if you’re serious about it. Bourbonic is a dark bay colt and just goddamn gorgeous, but Midnight (above) does sport that adorbs white sploosh on his nose, so we’ll call that round even. OK, fine, both of these very good boys (ponies can be that, too!) get $5 place bets, despite the fact Bourbonic is coming from allll the way outside in the 20-slot and therefore probably has no actual shot. But oh well, I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO CONSIDER THAT because logic is not welcome here.

OK, I need one more horse for “regular” betting purposes — who comes third? This was a fierce contest.

Choose your fighter:

Keepmeinmind: I am an absolute sucker for no-space names. Also important: Current odds of 69-1. Nice.

Helium: I am equally weak-in-the-knees for straightforward single words, and in science no less? 63-1.

Hidden Stash: Insert illicit drug/weapon of choice joke here, but this colt (above) is here on the strength of visions of his chestnut mare making me see stars. Adonis-like. 50-1

Gun to my head (please don’t) I’d go with the latter. But you know what, diversifying your profile is key in playing the ponies (especially with a “2” in front of a post number), so I’m going with a $2 “show” bet on all, with nice odds — and also, some other nice odds.

I’d like to note that if “Like The King “included a comma after like, it would have shot up my board. “Like, the king, maaan.” And just look at that photo above. LOOK AT THAT FREAKING SWEETIE PIE! Instant heartwarming going on right now. Tossing $2 to win on him at … wait ... 77-1?! Fuck it, I’ll toss $5 on him, and throw good money out with bad.

There’s nothing particularly wrong with names like… Known Agenda, Sainthood, Medina Spirit, Dynamic One, Highly Motivated or Super Stock… but they are what I would call GENERIC HORSE NAME HERE. Mashups of an algorithm based on mama and papa horse done with little panache. I need panache. Yes, I’m saying more flair.

From the “sounds like an homage to something hot right now, but only if the person saying it started drinking bourbon long before midnight,” I bring you the bastardized Mandalorian name of “Mandaloun.” Jury is still out for me on it.

I will be placing my customary, “I just walked in and know nothing, but need to bet something right this second, so gimme a $2 exacta box on 2-4” bet, and today that means I’ll be rooting forrrr…. Like The King paired with Keepmeinmind! And omigod I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited about a 2-4 exacta box in my life! I may up the buy-in and retire if it hits. Why 2-4? 24 is the GOAT of numbers. Duh.

I’m just gonna say, by the by, that Mental Floss’ article on horse naming is worth your time — definitely peep the amusing “snuck by the censors” section!

Finally, we need to address this. These are bad. Bad names, bad! DNF bad. Nothing against the beautiful creatures saddled with them (GET IT?!).

“O Besos” seems designed to make people think of Jeff Bezos, who everyone hates. I’m sure this horse is a very good boy, but the name is pure “Bad Idea Jeans.” 

Brooklyn Strong (above) will have every hipster doofus in Williamsburg pulling for it — and therefore me actively rooting against it. I’m also not having any “PLACE HERE Strong” names anymore. It’s overdone now. Stop it.

From the “trying too hard” desk, I bring you Hot Rod Charlie and Rock Your World, aka rejected Quiet Riot titles. Those poor ponies.

So I guess that means congrats to a superfecta that includes Hot Rod Charlie, Rock Your World, O Besos and your 2021 winner: Brooklyn Strong.

Shit, now I have to throw a buck on that don’t I?

* All odds via KentuckyDerby.com as of Friday night. King Fury was announced as a scratch earlier in the day. After the year we’ve all had and a name like that, he easily would have been in the running for a show bet.